Posted by AP


I've had this one on my hard drive since I was a wee child of 14. I call it: Misunderstood Surrogate . . .

The Smiths decided to use a surrogate father to start a family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell. "Good morning you don't know me but I've come to ..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really? That's good. I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please have a seat. Just where do we start?"

"Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too." "Bathtub, living room? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time." Then the photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my god!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to a park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Mrs. Smith's eyes widened in amazement. "Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward in shock. The photographer said, "Well Madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, I use a tripod because I have to to rest my Canon on it. Madam? Madam? Oh my good Lord ... she's fainted!"

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